We are
toilet training. This is epic. I’m so inpatient; I thought learning to wee out
a doodle would be easy. Isn’t it like a hose, you can aim? As I don’t have one
myself, I just assumed that wee and doodle and aiming would all come together
in three days.
Why three
days? A friend of a friend told me that her son was toilet trained in three
days. Was he 23? Three days. Snort.
My son is
almost three. And I know he is super close to learning how to use a toilet, or
at least know when he needs to go.
So how do
you train a kid to use a potty? I have no answers for you here, but this is
what I’ve learnt so far:
1. If you smell a pop off, a poo is on
the horizon. Dacks off and get potty ready.
2. Nude aint rude, it’s so very good.
Let the kid run and watch their wee go everywhere.
3. Hold onto those old cloth nappies. Accidents
and I mean LOTS of accidents, happen. I hope you have floorboards and a good
mop, oh and a dog that doesn’t eat poo.
4. Rewards are winners. We used
stickers for wees, miniThomas trains for poo. I let my son put the stickers on
the potty so it looks like a trophy.
5. Undies with your kid’s favourite TV
or cinematic characters rule the roost. There is no way my son is going to want
to piss on Lightning McQueen’s face.
6. Be super positive. Dance hard when a
wee makes it in the potty. Let your kid press the button on the toilet. Tell your
kid that the poo and wee is going to the ocean to swim with all the rad fishies
and crocodiles and really cool happy sharks (don’t tell them that if they are
shit-scared of fishies and crocs and sharks though).
7. Poo is exciting not scary. My son
loves looking at his afterwards. Yep, it’s gross, but I would rather my kid be
excited about taking a crap than holding it in, terrified it’s going to eat him
alive.
8. Let your kid watch you go to the
toilet. It’s creepy, but it’s been creepy these last few years hasn’t it–
remember that kid was in your tummy. You haven’t had a private moment for
almost three years, what’s a crap in front of your kid once a day in the scheme
of things. Make sure you smile when you do it.
9. If you find a poo on the floor…
whoops, clean it up, highlight the potty
is nearby if your kid needs it, but let them know that once daddy did
something similar and he hasn’t done it again because he’s a big boy. Poo on
the floor happens to the best of us, let’s not dwell.
10. And finally, when you are out in the
world with your kid wearing undies, take them to the nearest
toilet/gutter/tree/bush/garden the SECOND they say… “mummy, I need to wee”. You
don’t have any longer than a second, that wee is coming out now. Run. Carry a
towel with you.
So accidents
have happened this summer, my son has taken a crap in the display cubby at
Bunnings, weed on the card stand in the post office, pooed in his Lightning
McQueen undies so massively that I just chucked them in the park bin, and told
every person he meets that wee comes out of his doodle.
It’s ok. We
are not quite there yet, but it’s on the horizon. We are so close, I can
LITERALLY smell it.
This article first appeared in the Autumn issue of BubbaWest Magazine.
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