The Miseducation of Ali Webb

A few months ago, Alfie and I were enjoying the delights of the Melbourne Zoo, in  particular a brand-spanking new born baby gorilla.

The gorilla was cradled in its mum's arms enjoying a little cuddle. Alfie was smitten. Then I went and fucked up the situation.

"Look Alfie! Look at that sweet little baby monkey with its mummy in their nest. How lovely. You know that baby monkey has only just come out of an egg. And look, here it is now lapping up the sunshine."

I had a feeling what I was saying was wrong, but I couldn't quite figure it out. A gentleman with a kid in a Baby Bjorn and a camel-pak water bag next to me was kind enough to explain the situation:

"It's not a monkey. It's a gorilla."

Thanks dude.

"And a gorilla does not come from an egg - it is neither reptile or bird. It is a mammal."

Yep, gotcha. Thanks dude.

"It's all there (pointing at a brochure in a waterproof plastic pocket), in the kid's hand out."

Shut up.

As Alfie and I journeyed around the Zoo I tried to figure out where my crap knowledge of gorillas came from.

So. Gorillas and monkeys are kind of similar. Gorillas sit in nests. Nests are naturally associated with birds. Birds lay eggs.

Nope.

I worked it out. My pop culture mind takes over whenever it comes to conversations about the world and our natural environment.

Monkey. Fucking. Magic.

Monkey was born from an egg on a mountain top.

Dammit. But it now made sense where my insane 'monkey-nest-egg' theory had come from.

So this leads me to my latest discussions with three-year-old Alfie. We picked up Ice Age on DVD from the shop. I told Alfie it had dinosaurs in it and was really cool.

So we watched it and there were NO fucking dinosaurs. But, there was a mammoth. Which lead to a serious of questions:

"What is Ice Age'. Gah!
"Can I see a mammoth at the zoo?"
"What is extinct?"
"Why aren't there any dinosaurs in the Ice Age?"
"Why do the tigers want to eat the baby?"
"Where's the baby's mummy?"
"What is died?"

All of these questions lead me to explaining, well fudging, my way through evolution. And the questions got deeper:

"Mum, am I a monkey?"
"My dad's a monkey, isn't he, coz he has a hairy face?"
"Is Cheef Dog a mammoth?"
"Do mammoths have doodles?"

And so on...

Why is this so hard? Am I the only parent fumbling around with the theories of life and evolution with a three year old?

I got really frustrated, mostly with myself at not knowing all the answers, so I wrapped the whole evolution conversation in a puff.

"Jesus Christ Alfie! I don't have all the answers.. Let's just take our time on this one and watch Ice Age again."

To which he responded:

"What's Jesus Christ?"

Kill. Me.

Life is better with cheddar

It's Alfie's birthday today.

Birthday's in our household are a bit spesh. There's always cake, a little present and something fun to do that day.

Today Alfie woke us just after 5am. This has been a pattern for the last ten days (and counting - I'm shitting myself about daylight savings).

He opened his presents and played with them while I cooked brekky.

I asked him what he wanted to take for lunch to the zoo and he told me: "cheese and crackers". His favourite (who doesn't love cheese?)

So while he slept I filled the house with the savoury, spicy smell of cheese as I made Rhonda Hetzel's Cheese Crackers. For those who haven't heard of Rhonda, you need to read her blog or invest in her books. This woman knows ALL THE THINGS about making a home. Plus she lives in Maleny, Queensland, where I was born, so she has the best knowledge drawn from hippy roots.

I reckon these are going to be a hit once he wakes up. I think they're also going to taste pretty fucking delicious with our pumpkin soup this evening (thanks be to one rad neighbour who had an out of control pumpkin vine this season).

Super easy. Even my kid could make these.

Give 'em a go! You will never eat Cheds again.

Easy Cheese Crackers / or Zoo Crackers
Rhonda Hetzel

125g grated cheddar cheese
125g grated parmesan
80g butter at room temp
1 cup plain flour
2 tablespoons or so of iced water

Pre-heat oven to 180 degrees.
Mix cheese, butter and flour in a food processor.
Add enough water to bring the dough together - like a shortbread dough.
Ball up and wrap in glad wrap and pop in fridge. Leave for around 30 mins.
Roll the dough thinly and cut into shapes. I used Reggie's whiskey glass, but you can use whatever you like.
Place on baking tray and make a couple of fork holes in each bikkie. I added black sesame seeds to mine to make them look like I've tried hard.
Bake for 10 mins. Check at this point and see how golden the biscuits are. If they are golden, bring them out. If not, leave for another minute or so. Keep checking, these babies cook fast.

Whack them on a rack to cool. Serve with dip-o-choice.

Perfect zoo crackers,

Enjoy!