Parents: It’s Time We Grew Up

My son is now 2.5 and he’s freakin’ hilarious. He is now speaking in sentences (or fluent tongue) and the things that come out of his mouth are great, especially for someone like me who has not quite reached a mature level when it comes to childish humour.

How do parents NOT crack up and whack their thighs in hysterical laughter when their kid says something like: “Mum, I want to take my bum off and sit it on your head and watch the poo.”

Chewed my cheeks. Closed my eyes. Thought about Jimmy Giggle. Did not laugh out loud.

Seriously. How does he say that with a serious face and how do I respond with a serious face? I know I shouldn’t laugh at him because that will only encourage him to say it again: In a dentist waiting room. To an elderly stranger, who has a giant bum. Seriously.

Last week he told me his fingers looked like doodles and didn’t stop staring at them for days. He poured water on his hands from the watering can just so he could watch his fingers wee. He told the lady at Baker’s Delight about his doodle fingers and she laughed. I walked out empty handed. I refused to buy finger buns that day.

Bit my tongue. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Focused on my pelvic floor. Did not laugh out loud,

Heading to the zoo is a joy, purely for the social commentary on animal life coming from my son:

“Mum, why doesn’t that elephant have a doodle? The other one does? And so does daddy.”

“Mum, is daddy a lion?”

“Mum, can we eat the hippo poo?”

“Mum, can I go inside the elephant?”

“Mum, I’m licking the window so the hippo can see the baby snake in my tummy.”

Pinched my arm. Held my breath. Thought about the washing. Did not laugh out loud.

It’s so much fun watching my son discover all these natural delights. But what’s funnier is the absolute refreshing perspective he brings to everyday life and how hilarious I am with dealing with these moments where I actually have to behave like a grown up.

When I explained to my son why I didn’t have a doodle (he asked me if it had fallen off when I sneezed), he gently put his hand on my knee and, staring me straight in the eyes, he said, “Mummy, it will be alright. We can ask Santa for one when he takes my dummies. He’s bringing me a big parcel, he can bring you a big doodle just like daddy’s.”

My strong blank stare focusing above his head and the tears rolling down my cheeks as I bit the inside of my mouth to hold back the huge giggle was too much for him to handle.

“Mummy, don’t cry. You can have my doodle. I don’t need it coz I can wee out my eyes like you.”

Who is Ali Webb?

When she's not parenting her two-and-a-half year old son Alfie, Ali tries to figure out the difference between Gordon and Thomas and why the producers would create two trains the same colour. But colour is Ali's thing. She loves to live a colourful life filled with running (after her kid, not for exercise), writing, hunting for vintage treasures, whipping up a macrame or broccoli-shaped cushion and composing raps in her mind about Milo and Sunshine Pine. Ali is a nutcase. Support her on this journey.

This article first appeared in the December issue of Bubba West Magazine.

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina

It’s a famous line in the Kindergarten Cop flick

You know the one, where the little boy’s so slick

When he states to Arnie, in the classic one liner

That ‘boys have a penis, and girls a vagina’.

It’s stuck with me for all of these years

A line that’s shouted with peers and beers

But now with my two-year-old boy in tow

He thinks it’s something that everyone must know.

While standing in a very long bank queue

My son (who is also fascinated with poo)

Went up to a stranger, and pointed at his dacks

And shouted ‘doodle?’followed by sniggers and cracks.

The man looked at me, unsure what to do

I explained that my son had just turned two

That he was curious about the thing in his nappy

But talking about it seemed to make him happy.

The tantrums themselves are awkward enough

But how in the hell are you meant to handle this stuff?

There’s a time and a place for this chat, to be frank

But it’s not the time, nor the place when we are in a bank.

It’s no different at all when we go to the zoo

Where there are plenty of doodles and a whole lot of poo

We explore all the gardens and eat picnic feasts

But it all gets exciting when we check out the beasts.

Just last week, we watched the elephants play

My son glued to the fence on this rainy day

Then a male elephant weed and boy it was a hit

And on top of that he took a massive shit.

Oh the squeals of delights, from my son and other boys

Who were all lined up, attracted by the noise

The other parents and I all rolled our eyes

I was thankful that the excitement was no surprise.

In my household filled with blokey gents

Where it’s rare if anyone is wearing pants

I feel left out because I’m ‘missing a tail’

But at the end of the day, I’m proud to be female.

This ode first appeared on BubbaWest.